by Dr. Roger Smith
June 15, 2025
[Editor’s note: We are excited to have Roger and his wife, Jan, joining us as Featured Speakers at CHEA's Parenting & Homeschool Convention, July 10 & 11 in Downey. This is just a preview of what they and our other excellent speakers will be sharing with us in July.]
“My daddy can beat up your daddy!”
Childhood playground taunting sometimes centered around the hero status of the fathers. But as the children grow, their hero often fades into a fictional character rather than one who can touch, comfort, and care for them.
How can we maintain influence with our child as they recognize our flaws and mistakes?
As it relates to parenting, children are just like the rest of us. They want to know two things:
Do I matter?
Does what I do matter?
To have a lasting impact on our child, we must clearly answer those questions repeatedly.
I have worked with men in a local drug rehab center over the last two decades. When they talk about their childhood homes, most of them would say that their troubles with drugs and illegal behavior began when they realized that the answer to one, or both, of those questions was “no.”
Our actions, our words, and our attitudes must “say” clearly how important our child is to us, and that we are interested in what they are doing (or wanting to do). Only then will they be able to hear what is important to us.
The legacy we leave to our children isn’t transferred by the reading of a will after your death; it is planted like seeds day in and day out through the years of their childhood. So, we should be intentional in our time with them, because “childhood has an expiration date.” At some point in time, children stop listening, and start doing their own thinking.
Be intentional!
Develop a plan for positive impact.
Prepare your child for the day when he leaves home.
Whether we like it or not, children use us as a measuring stick for what is right or normal. Our behavior becomes the standard, not our words.
My father owned a grocery store where all of us Smith kids grew up, stocking shelves and helping customers along with the paid employees. He had charge accounts for many customers that we all learned to manage.
As I was looking at the shelves of charge booklets with the handwritten entries, he told me, “You’ve got to learn who you can trust.” He went on to talk about some of the various people he allowed to charge groceries. Many of them did not seem to be important people, but he helped me see how their lives said he could trust them.
He watched people, and I watched him. I saw that he lived what he had said. Even when he misjudged someone, he saw it as his mistake, not theirs.
That seed took root in me. I watch people’s actions so I do not get duped by their words.
Your children are watching you drive in traffic, interact with waiters, talk to your spouse, respond to the homeless, and talk about “the boss.” Be careful to be planting seeds of high standards.
One of my favorite quotes attributed to Abe Lincoln is “Character is like a tree, and reputation is like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it, but the tree is the real thing.”
Children have a built-in “fake meter.” They are not fooled by our large shadow because they know the real tree. When others can be impressed with our public persona, children see the person behind the curtain.
Every effort we put into improving our character elevates the character of our children because that same seed will be planted in them.
Stories of great men and women inspire us to grow in the traits they display, so find books, articles, movies, and documentaries that fuel growth in character. Read and memorize scripture or poems that describe or encourage specific character traits. And talk about them to others, even your children. As you grow, the seeds drop into their lives.
My daughter-in-law says that she became more interested in my son when she saw him with drill in hand repairing something in his apartment. Though it seems funny that repair skills were sexy, being able to “do stuff” matters in this world.
I often use an issue of Popular Mechanics from October 2008 when addressing men. The cover pronounces “100 Skills Every Man Should Know.” In almost 20 years, I have yet to find a man who can do all 100, although I have encountered several who could score 90+.
The list contains some things I consider useless, so I will never make a perfect score in their book, but my “list of skills” are things I consider important. And among my skills are some that my sons consider worthless. Yet, the fact remains, skills are important. And who is better to teach them to your children than you?
Make a list of things you do, and teach them to your kids. They want to do real work. Mow the lawn, change oil, check tires, dig a hole, replace a light, order online, pay a bill, make a hospital visit, bait a hook, paddle a boat, wash the car, paint a room, and the list goes on.
Children do not learn by watching. They learn by doing, especially if it is with you.
Plant the seed of skills.
Seeds produce in the future. Plant the seeds of standards (your behavior), character (what you value), and skills (what you do). That’s a legacy.
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Dr. Roger Smith is a primary care physician in rural Louisiana where he oversees the medical care delivered in four small town clinics. His vlog, Parenting Matters Now, can be found on social media and his website (RogerSmithMD.com). He and his wife homeschooled all four of their children and currently serve on the board of his state and national homeschool organizations.
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